Recently I had a week that was very difficult. I dealt with an IBS flare every day that week and Fibromyalgia flares for three days. It was getting to me…I was struggling mentally.
My doctor appointment was scheduled for Wednesday. I was in a Fibromyalgia flare but decided to go anyway. Big mistake! Everything irritated me even the teenage girls in the waiting area who were talking loudly and being, well, like teenage girls…lots of drama.
Then I was taken to a “holding area” and greeted….no, not greeted at all, by a nurse who then took me to a small open room and proceeded to ask me questions for all to hear about my medications and my surgery history, etc. I thought there was some kind of privacy thing now…um, guess not! If I had the energy and spunk that I have when I feel at least a little bit better I would have asked her about talking to me privately. Then I was taken to another “holding area” where I was able to hear an another nurse complain about another patient. Not what any patient wants to hear and not what I wanted to hear at all, especially since I felt so bad.
Things were not off to a good start but it was the visit with the doctor that upset me the most. I felt like I was more of a burden to him than anything. Like all of my crazy conditions were frustrating him and he didn’t want to deal with me. Just imagine how I feel. I have to live with these conditions every day of my life. I can’t send me away after humiliating me and go on to the next person. He even said in a very unpleasant tone “I can’t fix all of your issues.”
I realize that he can’t, I can’t, nor can a team of doctors fix all of my issues. I understand that. Most of the time I mainly just want someone to listen to me with compassion and make educated suggestions. Or just listen to me, let me cry and just be there for me. If I am paying you to listen to me, please at least be compassionate and not make me feel worse.
On Friday I talked to my sister about some of my struggles and she listened, made suggestions, and just showed me love. I was starting to see the light at the end of a long, hard week. I still didn’t feel good physically but mentally I was relieved just to be able to talk to someone who had empathy for me.
Later that day my husband called me and we made plans to get eat supper after I worked a couple of hours. We met at the restaurant and things were off to a good start. I was enjoying his company and we laughed along with the server as he had to bring us our drinks three times before they tasted as they should.
Then all of the sudden, “I was double booked.” You know from the Viberzi commercial…
I looked at my husband with genuine sorrow and said a phrase he has heard over and over…”I am sick.” He knows that means I need to go home asap. I started popping Zofran for my nausea and Loperamide Hydrochloride to hopefully prevent an IBS attack. My husband thankfully went to the server and said something to the effect of, “Bag it up.”
Adding to the horrible feeling of an IBS attack, I felt defeat for myself, and heartfelt disappointment for my husband. I looked at him and said, “I am sorry.” Another phrase that he hears repeatedly from me due to my many illnesses. I felt guilty…one of many of my feelings with chronic pain, etc.
But I know that I have chronic issues for a reason. I know that the only one that can heal me is my Father and Savior. And I know at least for now, I am double booked, with chronic pain, and a mission to encourage others.
I am thankful for a husband that takes it in stride when after a long week of work, his well deserved steak dinner has to be boxed up and taken home to eat. I am also thankful that my Heavenly Father has plans for me no matter how messed up my “date night” may turn out to be.
As I drove myself home I had an overwhelming sense of sorrow and depression. I turned the radio on and heard the exact song I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it. The song is called “Thy Will.” As she sang, I could relate to every single word as if the song was written for me on that day. I had a good cry but I also took to heart the words that were being so beautifully and emotionally sang. I also remembered that I am going through all my struggles for a reason and the most important thing is that God’s will is done in my life.